Why start blogging again?

I've decided today after writing an email to an old friend that I need to start journaling again. And why not let it all hang out there so in the universe-- my words can only be taken out of context and prevent me from getting a job/getting fired or in general used as character attacks against me-- so I'm in with both legs first like a kid in a waterslide amusement park.

Astrology Insights

I've been doing lots of research lately about astrology and I have begun to explore my moon sign. In the Wild, Wild West (or just the West), we commonly just refer to our sun sign-- accordingly I am a gemini, but your REAL sign or moon sign can be calculated in a similar manner--- and I realize that i am a Libra moon sign and a Cancer Love sign. These new insights have helped me tremendously to understand more deeply who I am and how I relate and make sense of the world.

Healing My Heart

I've been reading a lot of Mars and Venus starting over--- an essential for anyone who has ever gone through a break-up, divorce, or lost a relationship or even friendship.

New Adventures this Summer

I've had a rather mellow summer- I think I've spent a lot of the time on the subway...going neither here, nor there. Some highlights for new places I've been to/kitchen adventures I've embarked on;

1) Mad for Chicken-- great food and drinks all around

2) New Paltz-- the Karma Cafe, New Paltz's wonderful national park

3) making a greek salad (the key for the dressing in red wine vinegar and chilling the ingrediants first)

4) cooking kale for the first time (yummy)

5) cooking collard greens for the first time (double yummy)

6) discovering the best kim chee ever (made by Hawthorne Family Farm)

7) dinner at Three of Cups in the e. village--- great speghetti and meatballs dish (its actually one of their signature dishes)

8) new wi-fi spot near Baruch--- Tease on 3rd ave between 27th and 28th

9) Exit Through the Gift-shop-- hilariously funny movie

Other insights

I realised how much i really missed my classmates and the MSIO student associations board. Linked in rocks. want to have a dog-sitting practice.

I normally think, "wow, it's been such a long time since I've blogged" and this time is no exception. And alas, it has been.

Since I last wrote anything, I survived midterms, finals and group projects, being hussled in NY via the real estate agents (key word agents), who I wonder, "how can they sleep at night?" as the ones I have encountered here in NY care about one thing and one thing only- Money. It's disgusting and deplorable behavoir.

I have come to the satisfactory conclusion that LA is my home, because for the past couple of years, it was sort of Beijing, but not fully. You might phyiscally be in one place, and have your heart and foot in another place entirely.

New York City has been nothing short of shock provoking, it's raw, it's disgusting and it's the city I live in. This blog would be incomplete if I didn't mention that this year is one characterized by disappointment. Last year, was the "almost year" in terms of timing. Almost missing every flight, almost getting my own place, almost going to grad school, almost being in a real relationship--- almost being happy.

This year, in contrast, which similar things have happened, what can i say other than, "almost doesnt muthafuckin count". Disappointment does. This year knocked the wind out of me. It started with disappointment from the second I stepped off the plane. The architecture was a concrete jungle, devoid of warmth and beauty safe for the most expensive parts of the city. Williamsburg- out. most of manhattan out. I couldnt and cant believe people live in the conditions they do. No wonder we are dysfunctional. Beauty is important to me, and the places people live most somehow take a toll on the psyche. Dare I say, the only thing the city has going for itself is the people. The people make the real estate expensive, people make the place. Isn't that what they say about LA? Well, at least LA has the mountains, the hiking, the weather!!! The sun, the blue sky. Not New York. What does new york have? It's the worlds biggest con.

Alas, the sting from apt. hunting soon gave way to the inevitable disappointment of the end of a relationship. And like NY, with no apologies, no remorse, no emotion. At this point, I had no choice but to realise, yes the cards were/are stacked against me. I suffered from the worst cramps Ive had in my life--- more excruciating physical pain that I have ever suffered before--- with the exception of a couple of migraines that were to haunt me in the months to come- impeding my sleep. I lost so much weight, and my beloved appetite. Yet, like with every other relationship I was in, I didnt have the courage, didnt have the self-worth to confront the situation head on. I was just left to pick up the pieces of a shattered self. The void left in my life combined with the winter and the abominal bar scene which I faced sober. Sober from alcohol, and sober from the hope I carried and the faith that, indeed everything was going to be alright.

I'm ashamed to say that the loss of the relationship for me, resulted in a loss of my faith in everything. I walled myself up, closed my heart and retreated to a place so deep within. How could there be a god, how could there be a greater plan other than to shut me down, wipe me out. The only thing worse than surviving a breakup, is knowing that you were worse off than you started. Instead of growing, you shrank, instead of perservering, you gave up, because your energy was spent, all of it, the reserve of it, the stores of fat, the insurance--- gone, gone, gone!

To make matters worse, grad school was so disappointing-- furthermore, finding out if i wanted to complete the program it would take another 2 whole years, that means 2 more years in a city i can't stand. Im more guarded than ever, i've learned my more than a lesson, i've learned a new lifestlye. My head is still in a fog...

Even though I committed to writing more regularly to blogging, I haven't been true to my word. New York it seems, has done a number on me to bring out the uncommitted flake. I flake on everyone and anyone, it's quite a lifestyle I'm not proud of- me being undependable and unreliable. now there is a first.

However, back to the clearing process. After two to three straight weeks of being mentally exhausted, I don't know how I've managed to pull off stellar marks on my exams, because to be quite honest, I don't feel like I've learned enough. I never thought I would be a paper-chaser, but ultimately getting any masters or traditional academic education will only be a means to an end. Not to say that I'm not trying to maximize my grad school experience, because I absolutely am, but the school that I am at is not 100% in sync with where I am going. Perhaps, it's a great compliment, but Reiki and my other energy work/life's purpose will ultimately get me to where I need to go in my career.

Alas, back to my life as of the past couple of weeks. I've been experiencing more anxiety and depression than I have experienced pre-Reiki level 1 attunement. It's awful and it's at times unbearable. When I am in these stasises/gridlocks, my mind is completely stuck and I literally feel like I've gone crazy---unable to act, unable to cope, unable to do anything but drain my energy and take everyone else around me down down down.

Fortunately, I have a profound knowing that what I have been going through is not in vain. It's weird because I've had this sense of knowing for a couple of years-- and I thought it was the victim mentality. Maybe that is part of it.

As soon as I learned what capitalism was/is, I wanted to get rid of it. I am committed more than ever to my sense of knowing and am greatful for encountering the Miracle School and for my belief to follow and do what I've needed to do despite all other senses of knowing that we are taught to trust- namely my intuition--- it goes beyond and transcends intuition.

I think this blog is going to end up looking a lot like my sun sign--- geminian...ordered and scattered, linear, yet divided (are those opposites, prob not).

Anyway, I wanted to take a break from chronicling my "journey of reconnection" by addressing some perhaps complimentary and VERY real concerns I have about my present life:

1) seeing as i am living in a studio ALONE, without even a dog, cat, fish or rat...it occurred to me that so many of us, mostly women who admit it, are afraid to die alone. Let's face it people, most of us are going to die alone, its the living alone that is scary. And lets just spread the pity around somemore when I say that the elderly recieve a disproportionate amount of attention in this arena...I've fallen and I can't get up!!! What about me? At least they have the senior citizens home, or someone/family member who is going to be checking in on them to make sure they are okay. If I fell in my studio (and granted its only for another ocuple of weeks that I will be living alone)...I don't think that anyone would come looking for me. SUre my phone might ring (of course it would naturally be out of arms reach), but I can say with certainty that at this point in my life, people would asssume 1) i wasnt available 2) i was super busy (yup, lying on the ground) and/or 3) i would get back to them when i could...while all of these are true...but do not address the real concerns--- we are not accountable to one another....

1a) at the same time, i think that if this were to happen, my boss would call me, I wouldnt pick up, hed call my sister, who'd say...i just talked to her 3 days ago...i told you she was going to quit...shes like that, or make up some excuse, but no one would really be concerned for me to the point of actually following up with me, also no one knows where i live...only where i work, and even if people knew where i lived...we dont live in the type of society where people drop by anymore....

yummy, i just found a piece of my sandwhich in stuck in the neck of my sweater!

ok, back to my observations...sure while this situation could easily be ameliorated, is it not telling of the ways in which we live our lives? we are not accountable to our neighbors, our friends, our families...or is it just me overgeneralizing?

Lets take a look at another hypothetical scenario...lets say you are in a relationship, married...or whatever...same thing could happen...this person ran off, she/he needed some space...OR Cynthia is lying on the floor of her apartment immobilized.

Happy Pre-Valentines Day!

I wanted to chronicle my journey of reconnection on a daily basis, not only as a new years-ish sort of goal to help me process my day-to-day and day-in day-out activities but also to help me and others who are thinking of transitioning or have already begun transitioning into living a miracle based life.

I should preface my readers by saying that I have decided to embark on a journey of reconnection, through the medium of The Miracle School (www.theheavenproject.net) in spite of doing many things in my life which I believe are in-line not only fulfilling my life's purpose and mission, but because I am committed to believing and now recieving (you will understand this later) miracles in my life.

A bit about my story as I know it and see it:
From a very young age I have always believed that I was here on earth to do something very significant, it is a feeling/sixth sense sort of thing that I could never explain, nor really chose to talk about with anyone until only very recently when I got involved with Reiki and had a heart-to-heart talk with my Reiki master about the role of Reiki in my life.

Up until I became a Reiki Level 1 practitioner in February of 2007, I have little or no recollection of ever feeling truly grounded or connected with anything of permanent substinence in my life. Part of this, I believe had something to do with 1) being raised in a couple of ways that didn't for whatever reason promote a faith-based way of living-- instead I feared I was going to go to hell if I didn't go to church (paying attention in church and actually believing or finding a connection with anything ever stated, preached, taught, guided in church is another story). 2) coming from a background which had a specific way of doing things in order to ensure success/happiness and if those things didnt work out in my favor, then at least I had a good meal and a nice family. There was always things, a reputation, financial security, friends etc that reminded me that I "should" be happy, or that "I had it good" or that, "I should feel fulfilled", but I didn't and I most certainly wasn't.

And its not to say that I didn't try. Up until that point in my life, I was a self-help guru...still sort o f am. to be continued...