I normally think, "wow, it's been such a long time since I've blogged" and this time is no exception. And alas, it has been.
Since I last wrote anything, I survived midterms, finals and group projects, being hussled in NY via the real estate agents (key word agents), who I wonder, "how can they sleep at night?" as the ones I have encountered here in NY care about one thing and one thing only- Money. It's disgusting and deplorable behavoir.
I have come to the satisfactory conclusion that LA is my home, because for the past couple of years, it was sort of Beijing, but not fully. You might phyiscally be in one place, and have your heart and foot in another place entirely.
New York City has been nothing short of shock provoking, it's raw, it's disgusting and it's the city I live in. This blog would be incomplete if I didn't mention that this year is one characterized by disappointment. Last year, was the "almost year" in terms of timing. Almost missing every flight, almost getting my own place, almost going to grad school, almost being in a real relationship--- almost being happy.
This year, in contrast, which similar things have happened, what can i say other than, "almost doesnt muthafuckin count". Disappointment does. This year knocked the wind out of me. It started with disappointment from the second I stepped off the plane. The architecture was a concrete jungle, devoid of warmth and beauty safe for the most expensive parts of the city. Williamsburg- out. most of manhattan out. I couldnt and cant believe people live in the conditions they do. No wonder we are dysfunctional. Beauty is important to me, and the places people live most somehow take a toll on the psyche. Dare I say, the only thing the city has going for itself is the people. The people make the real estate expensive, people make the place. Isn't that what they say about LA? Well, at least LA has the mountains, the hiking, the weather!!! The sun, the blue sky. Not New York. What does new york have? It's the worlds biggest con.
Alas, the sting from apt. hunting soon gave way to the inevitable disappointment of the end of a relationship. And like NY, with no apologies, no remorse, no emotion. At this point, I had no choice but to realise, yes the cards were/are stacked against me. I suffered from the worst cramps Ive had in my life--- more excruciating physical pain that I have ever suffered before--- with the exception of a couple of migraines that were to haunt me in the months to come- impeding my sleep. I lost so much weight, and my beloved appetite. Yet, like with every other relationship I was in, I didnt have the courage, didnt have the self-worth to confront the situation head on. I was just left to pick up the pieces of a shattered self. The void left in my life combined with the winter and the abominal bar scene which I faced sober. Sober from alcohol, and sober from the hope I carried and the faith that, indeed everything was going to be alright.
I'm ashamed to say that the loss of the relationship for me, resulted in a loss of my faith in everything. I walled myself up, closed my heart and retreated to a place so deep within. How could there be a god, how could there be a greater plan other than to shut me down, wipe me out. The only thing worse than surviving a breakup, is knowing that you were worse off than you started. Instead of growing, you shrank, instead of perservering, you gave up, because your energy was spent, all of it, the reserve of it, the stores of fat, the insurance--- gone, gone, gone!
To make matters worse, grad school was so disappointing-- furthermore, finding out if i wanted to complete the program it would take another 2 whole years, that means 2 more years in a city i can't stand. Im more guarded than ever, i've learned my more than a lesson, i've learned a new lifestlye. My head is still in a fog...
Since I last wrote anything, I survived midterms, finals and group projects, being hussled in NY via the real estate agents (key word agents), who I wonder, "how can they sleep at night?" as the ones I have encountered here in NY care about one thing and one thing only- Money. It's disgusting and deplorable behavoir.
I have come to the satisfactory conclusion that LA is my home, because for the past couple of years, it was sort of Beijing, but not fully. You might phyiscally be in one place, and have your heart and foot in another place entirely.
New York City has been nothing short of shock provoking, it's raw, it's disgusting and it's the city I live in. This blog would be incomplete if I didn't mention that this year is one characterized by disappointment. Last year, was the "almost year" in terms of timing. Almost missing every flight, almost getting my own place, almost going to grad school, almost being in a real relationship--- almost being happy.
This year, in contrast, which similar things have happened, what can i say other than, "almost doesnt muthafuckin count". Disappointment does. This year knocked the wind out of me. It started with disappointment from the second I stepped off the plane. The architecture was a concrete jungle, devoid of warmth and beauty safe for the most expensive parts of the city. Williamsburg- out. most of manhattan out. I couldnt and cant believe people live in the conditions they do. No wonder we are dysfunctional. Beauty is important to me, and the places people live most somehow take a toll on the psyche. Dare I say, the only thing the city has going for itself is the people. The people make the real estate expensive, people make the place. Isn't that what they say about LA? Well, at least LA has the mountains, the hiking, the weather!!! The sun, the blue sky. Not New York. What does new york have? It's the worlds biggest con.
Alas, the sting from apt. hunting soon gave way to the inevitable disappointment of the end of a relationship. And like NY, with no apologies, no remorse, no emotion. At this point, I had no choice but to realise, yes the cards were/are stacked against me. I suffered from the worst cramps Ive had in my life--- more excruciating physical pain that I have ever suffered before--- with the exception of a couple of migraines that were to haunt me in the months to come- impeding my sleep. I lost so much weight, and my beloved appetite. Yet, like with every other relationship I was in, I didnt have the courage, didnt have the self-worth to confront the situation head on. I was just left to pick up the pieces of a shattered self. The void left in my life combined with the winter and the abominal bar scene which I faced sober. Sober from alcohol, and sober from the hope I carried and the faith that, indeed everything was going to be alright.
I'm ashamed to say that the loss of the relationship for me, resulted in a loss of my faith in everything. I walled myself up, closed my heart and retreated to a place so deep within. How could there be a god, how could there be a greater plan other than to shut me down, wipe me out. The only thing worse than surviving a breakup, is knowing that you were worse off than you started. Instead of growing, you shrank, instead of perservering, you gave up, because your energy was spent, all of it, the reserve of it, the stores of fat, the insurance--- gone, gone, gone!
To make matters worse, grad school was so disappointing-- furthermore, finding out if i wanted to complete the program it would take another 2 whole years, that means 2 more years in a city i can't stand. Im more guarded than ever, i've learned my more than a lesson, i've learned a new lifestlye. My head is still in a fog...
posted by Cynly at 9:55 AM
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