Even though I committed to writing more regularly to blogging, I haven't been true to my word. New York it seems, has done a number on me to bring out the uncommitted flake. I flake on everyone and anyone, it's quite a lifestyle I'm not proud of- me being undependable and unreliable. now there is a first.
However, back to the clearing process. After two to three straight weeks of being mentally exhausted, I don't know how I've managed to pull off stellar marks on my exams, because to be quite honest, I don't feel like I've learned enough. I never thought I would be a paper-chaser, but ultimately getting any masters or traditional academic education will only be a means to an end. Not to say that I'm not trying to maximize my grad school experience, because I absolutely am, but the school that I am at is not 100% in sync with where I am going. Perhaps, it's a great compliment, but Reiki and my other energy work/life's purpose will ultimately get me to where I need to go in my career.
Alas, back to my life as of the past couple of weeks. I've been experiencing more anxiety and depression than I have experienced pre-Reiki level 1 attunement. It's awful and it's at times unbearable. When I am in these stasises/gridlocks, my mind is completely stuck and I literally feel like I've gone crazy---unable to act, unable to cope, unable to do anything but drain my energy and take everyone else around me down down down.
Fortunately, I have a profound knowing that what I have been going through is not in vain. It's weird because I've had this sense of knowing for a couple of years-- and I thought it was the victim mentality. Maybe that is part of it.
As soon as I learned what capitalism was/is, I wanted to get rid of it. I am committed more than ever to my sense of knowing and am greatful for encountering the Miracle School and for my belief to follow and do what I've needed to do despite all other senses of knowing that we are taught to trust- namely my intuition--- it goes beyond and transcends intuition.
However, back to the clearing process. After two to three straight weeks of being mentally exhausted, I don't know how I've managed to pull off stellar marks on my exams, because to be quite honest, I don't feel like I've learned enough. I never thought I would be a paper-chaser, but ultimately getting any masters or traditional academic education will only be a means to an end. Not to say that I'm not trying to maximize my grad school experience, because I absolutely am, but the school that I am at is not 100% in sync with where I am going. Perhaps, it's a great compliment, but Reiki and my other energy work/life's purpose will ultimately get me to where I need to go in my career.
Alas, back to my life as of the past couple of weeks. I've been experiencing more anxiety and depression than I have experienced pre-Reiki level 1 attunement. It's awful and it's at times unbearable. When I am in these stasises/gridlocks, my mind is completely stuck and I literally feel like I've gone crazy---unable to act, unable to cope, unable to do anything but drain my energy and take everyone else around me down down down.
Fortunately, I have a profound knowing that what I have been going through is not in vain. It's weird because I've had this sense of knowing for a couple of years-- and I thought it was the victim mentality. Maybe that is part of it.
As soon as I learned what capitalism was/is, I wanted to get rid of it. I am committed more than ever to my sense of knowing and am greatful for encountering the Miracle School and for my belief to follow and do what I've needed to do despite all other senses of knowing that we are taught to trust- namely my intuition--- it goes beyond and transcends intuition.
posted by Cynly at 8:38 PM
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